can i do better?
and the feeling of being Stuck
remember when you were ten and you were here and that was good enough. and then suddenly, without as much as a heads-up, you grew up.
i am the eldest to a family of three daughters. i always felt like i had to be the Good one, the First one, the one who led the way, who succeeded and had the good grades and was a hard-worker and passionate and Good at it. i wanted to be a fast-learner, the fastest. i wanted to succeed and succeed fast. i wanted my family to be proud of me. no… more than that, i craved for their approval (i’m actually convinced back then i could’ve sustained myself solely on their approvals). i Needed them to be proud of me.
fast forward to now. i’m 23 years old and i’m thankfully doing something i enjoy. but i have regrets and pent-up bitterness and anger clawing inside of me, begging me to indulge in them. sometimes i do.
i regret not being more patient towards my younger self, not letting her take her time. to find her path, to figure it out. i always had the feeling, ever since i was a kid, that i had to be quick on my feet, fast and more than any of that, i had to be ahead of everyone.
i’ve struggled with the feeling of being Stuck, of not moving forward because i’ve hardwired my brain into thinking i Constantly have to be doing something and not only that, but i have to be the best at it because otherwise, what’s the point? i don’t know how to rest, how to pause without feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt.
the lyrics to the song dis-ease by bts encapsulate really well what i mean especially when j-hope raps “It feels like I should be doing something to the point my body shatters /
but I’m just a bastard who eats all three meals a day” and in the pre-chorus, when the song goes “My childish self who is unable to keep things simple / I’m actually so young, only my body has grown / I limp through the walk of life”…
it’s been strange to try and re-teach myself how to live, to understand that those things i thought i wanted are not what i wanted but what others wanted for me. because truly, what do i want? i want to marvel at the simple things, be around art and read poetry. i want a quiet little life, i want to hang out with my friends and fall in love with being alive.
but every now and then, i can’t help but indulge in self-loathing, in feeling disappointed in myself. whenever i’m stuck in a routine for a little bit too long and i don’t feel like i’m Achieving anything, i start to panic and downplay all my previous achievements.
mary oliver, in i worried, wrote :
I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?
Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?
Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it and I am, well,
hopeless.
Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
lockjaw, dementia?
Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
and sang.
it’s hard to try to appreciate the fact i wouldn’t be the me i am today without all my failures. as much as it sounds paradoxical, i’m relatively proud of my failures because they’ve led me to where i am now.
i don’t want to define my worth by my academic success, by how well i do in university because this isn’t me. being forced down a specific path, as i was by family, was one of my biggest regrets. i’m here now and there’s no point in dwelling on the past, all i wish for in the future is to show myself the gentleness i wasn’t able to show younger noa who was just… trying.
i don’t owe it to anyone to make them proud of me. i don’t have to live with anyone’s disappointment but i accept it because at the end of the day, i’m proud of me. i’ve made it ‘til this day and that’s good enough.
a poem for small things
going to the park with my best friend, lying down on the grass, holding hands and reading
celebrating passover with my family (hag sameah friends!) and eating lots of good food
bts (!!!!!) is coming out with a new album on june 10!!!!!! currently feeling very purple and full of love, they’re coming out with new music and i can’t wait to feel alive again !
sometimes i read !
love and other words by christina lauren : introducing you to this delightful ‘childhood-friends-to-lovers-to-strangers-to-lovers’. it’s so hard for me to not get the ick whenever i read a romance novel because there’s so often something a main character will do that will just make me want to put the book down immediately. love and other words was so far from that, strongly recommend :D
when art makes me feel (alive)
while you might know about abstract art and the illustrious names of abstract painters such as Piet Mondrian, Vassily Kandinsky or Kazimir Malevitch, do you know the name of the pioneering figure that got completely forgotten by art history? her name is Hilma af Klint (Swedish, 1862-1944).
Hilma af Klint was one of the earliest women to study at the royal academy of fine arts in Stockholm. passionate about spiritualism and science, she founded in 1906 the esoteric group “The Five” (during which they would conduct séances to contact spirits (or High-Masters) from the spiritual realms (she claimed a spirit came to possess her to create these paintings).
her paintings, innovative in their treatment of color and intricate shapes, were very modern for her time. she was among the first to do this as she painted her first abstract painting in 1906, long before the supposed pioneers of abstract art such as cited above.
between 1906 and 1913, she created around 193 paintings with the purpose of representing the spirit of the world. she kept her work hidden for most of her life. when she died, she left behind over 1,000 pieces, which she left to her nephew Erik af Klint, on condition that he wait twenty years before exhibiting them. that being said, it was not until 1986 that the Los Angeles Museum of Art, exhibited her work in The Spiritual in Art: Abstract Painting 1890-1985.
you’re really fucking cool Hilma af Klint,
lots of love,
noa <3
and you’re so fucking cool too <3